...but don't know which one.
It's not like you're consumed with sadness or given to overwhelming bouts of hopelessness, although feeling hopeless certainly does raise its ugly head every now and again. It's not that you no longer find joy in your life or fail to appreciate the wonderful blessings that come your way, in fact sometimes you now find joy in things which before might not even have held your attention for a second or you'd have taken for granted instead of cherishing as a blessing.
You still laugh, still love and perhaps live life more passionately and with more purpose than you did before..."before" being life prior to becoming the parent of a child with special needs. You're a stronger, more determined, more resilient, more vulnerable, more giving, more humble, more thankful, more intense YOU! So much MORE of who you were before. But yet, there is still some part of you that is missing, perhaps a very small part of you but which absence occasionally ignites a feeling of restlessness and anxiousness.
You're fine. Really. Not surrendering to the likes of a diagnosis or three...not completely resigned to sacrificing the dreams you had for your child/children, but real enough to know those dreams might require travelling a path you had not anticipated. But still, you find joy therein as a new path brings people, friends, family into your life you might never have had the pleasure of knowing. You're fine. Really.
And then, as you spend your day posting your support in raising awareness for your child's "third diagnosis"...the one which blindsided you so after having made peace with the first two...peace which had taken years to revel in and find hope in...it hits you. You stare at your screen, you type the words, you acknowledge your tormentor...the missing part of you...the part from which you used to draw unfaltering confidence that it was going to be okay.